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| You've never seen such a "beautifal lamon" before! |
Okay, so this took me almost a year to write.. like I started this post in Summer of 2013 and it is now spring of 2014... I gotta get it together, you know?!
What people see online and what people see In "ze" real world, they are both me, but at the same time they're not.
People that I know In Real Life tend to be confused, and utterly shocked when they friend me on facebook and see how more open I am.
My Real Life Persona - IRL I am rather shy, quiet and reserved. I don't usually speak my mind and there are tons of things that I want to tell people, but I never do.
My humor IRL is more sarcastic and dry humor.
My Online Persona - Online, I'm not afraid of anyone or anything. I'm open about almost everything, my interests, personal life, sexuality, just about everything.
My humor Online can be sarcastic and dry at times, but I am more random funny. (Like in the title)
After I get comfortable with someone, I do start to open up. But it can take years for me to be extremely comfortable with someone, there are things I won't say, even if I know the end result will be a good one. (For example, if I know someone knows my sexuality, I may be afraid to talk to them about who I like, or just certain things in general. Even though I know their response would be something positive.) [I still do this in 2019, I got to get a grip on myself and be me]
It took me two years just to open up to two of my friends from college, that I've known for almost four years. I have no problem talking to them (My college friends) about dirty things, but only after I said to myself that these are my friends and they like me no matter what and like me for who I am.
As the days go on, I am getting more comfortable with the people I surround myself. Even newer ones, it just takes some time, so that is a good thing.
There is a difference between face to face and a computer screen, some people such as myself are more comfortable with being behind a computer, rather than right in front of someone.
It's just easier for certain people to express who they are online, than it is IRL (In Real Life).
I am a big one of these, as people tend to be surprised that I am not shy, and quiet online. When on the internet, I'm more outgoing, and I have no problem telling people about certain aspects of myself that I am shy to tell people IRL.
I'm afraid of people and social interaction, and I am not very good at it. I am not sure why I'm so much better online, but I am and most of my friends online and some IRL are the same way too.
It's just how some people are.
I think the reason why I'm better with online conversation, is because I have a chance to sit down, and think about what to see. In the real world, you have to come up with a response right away. My brain just can't always do that, and I tend to say stupid things, or things I don't mean, because of it.
There are many sides of myself that most people do not see! To many people in person, I might show 10-20% of my personality. To my friends, I show about 95%.
Many people see me as the "innocent one", but I have dirty thoughts just like everyone else! I just usually keep it to myself. But I'll tell you right now, my mind is like a gay porn 24/7.... just imagine it now... A beautiful mountain side with the sun setting, when all of a sudden this incredibly sexy man wearing no clothes and a muscular body just walks on screen with abs that could crack a walnut. Then, comes another man, just as hot as the first... well they start making out and then other things happen that I will refrain from saying because this is a PG blog, not a rated A for adult!
Some other things I do involves pairing random guys, or guys I work with, together in my mind and make them make out. Kind of like fandom's shipping concept except with real people. (I'm horrible I know: PS. I rarely ever do this. But I do sometimes ship people together).
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| An old drawing of the perverted me that was inside my head! I used to imagine myself as different people, with different color schemes, that all represented different personalities. |
If I could be the me that is inside of me, the one in my imagination. I would be a total flirt, no doubt about it. There are all of these scenario's I think of, but I can never act upon them because I am way too shy to act on them.
I do sexualized men, look at their butts, muscular bodies and wonder what they look like naked, as well as imagining them making out with me (And possibly others).
I also get angry when I see a cute guy with a woman, I get jealous and say in my head that he needs to lose the zero and get with the hero.
Let me tell you this one time, we had this security guard at my job. Who doesn't work there anymore. I had a crush on him. One day, he was telling everyone that he had been with his girlfriend for 5 months. For whatever reason the manager kept telling everyone that it was his anniversary with his girlfriend, so of course she goes to me "Did you know it is his 5 month anniversary with his chick?" I just kind of looked at her with no expression ( At least I don't think I had an expression) But in all honesty, I felt really sad when she said that to me. I just walked away, this manager has no idea that I am gay or that I like him, so I know she didn't say it to upset me or anything. (Eventually she did know, and actually had no idea I liked him. Apparently my flirt game wasn't strong enough, because he would have told her I was flirting with him. lol
I thought of something I could have said when she asked me, which most people who don't know me that well, would be absolutely shocked! But, this thought came to mind that day.
"If you break up with your girlfriend and realize you like boys, give me a call, I don't bite but I do swallow/suck *Wink*".
Of course not all heterosexual men are secretly bi, gay, pan or heteroflexible, it is merely a crazy pick up line that came to mind.
Now if I was open, and much more sociable, I may have said this or something similar. But because I am shy, quiet and reserved IRL I could never say that even if I wanted to. (That quote also kind of sexual harassment soooo I don't think I would say that, as I would like to keep my jerb...)
Ironically enough, later on in the day (Maybe 10-30 minutes later) Me, the Manager and the guy I like were all re-organizing a shelf with jewelry to make room for new watches. I was standing and putting new stuff on the top of the shelf and my crush was next to me kneeling down putting things away on the bottom shelf, and his face was totally penis level. I was like... "Ohh, this is interesting and ironic!" Then it switched and I was putting something on the bottom shelf and he was putting stuff on the top shelf... XD
It was like some kind of homo-erotic subtext in real life, either that or I am just a pervert no matter the circumstances!
But, I have more sides to myself that most people do not see. Everyone sees the shy quiet kid, it's true that I am shy and quiet. But most people don't know that there is so much more to me than beats the eye! It is sometimes frustrating that people stereotype me, or don't really give me a chance to get to know me as a person. I do sometimes feel left out of the persuasion sometimes at work, school or in social gatherings. Mainly because I am shy and or quiet. (Depends on the situation, If I am comfortable with someone, I am not shy with them, just quiet. Unless I am really good friends with them, otherwise I am neither of them.)
For some reason, I cannot usually show my true form (No, I am not a super saiyan.. not what I meant.).
My true form is the form inside of my head, the form in my head is more talkative, goofy, more assertive, flirty, always knows what to say, how to say it and can always shut an ignorant person's mouth and if you watch anime, basically an anime character.
Of course, I am still devastatingly beautiful whether I am shy me or real me, that does not change. :P
I always have a sense of humor to boot too, it doesn't matter shy or not.
But, sometimes I wish I could show my true form to everyone I know.... that is, if they haven't seen it already.. I don't show my truest of true, but it comes pretty close to my closest friends!
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