I'm the physical embodiment of a Japanese highschool girl! pt4

At this point, I might as well just become a nun!

 

Let's re-cap,

 

• I had a crush on a guy named "Ace", who was two years younger than me and a CJ major, • Then a crush on a guy named Scotty, who was 8 years younger than me. 
• Once again, I had a crush on a guy named Ace, who was also two years younger than me and a CJ major.

 

After I left the job where the second Ace left, I got a new job and started crushing on a new guy, while still thinking about the second Ace. 

 

This new guy, "Davey", was cute, but I didn't have a strong vibe from him like the two Ace's. I knew he was straight from the start for once, so I wasn't going to try anything.

 

I was starting to really like this guy, but because I knew he was straight, I knew it wasn't going to happen. (Which in a way is nice since I did NOT know the first three dudes well enough to know their sexuality, in fact, one of them is still a mystery to me.)

 

Two years later and you can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster I've had with this boy. He's honestly the perfect regular guy, he's not hot, he's not gorgeous, he's just cute and he's a really nice guy.

(The three other guys I've been talking about were all cute or gorgeous etc...)

We have the same hobbies, we're both nerds, he's a super sweet guy. Like my type really is the nice guy.  Sure, he makes lame jokes that only a straight boy would make, like making a joke he's going to charge 5 dollars for helping me with a small task (In which I responded, I could pay in other ways, but that would be considered sexual harassment. He never said that to me again lol.), or making some ridiculous scheme where he wants me to photoshop him in a casino where hes making money. (In which I offered to photoshop him six feet under the ocean instead.).

But what it comes down to it, is that oddly enough, it's a part of his charm. He's actually a really nice person who I feel is very protective of the people he cares about. He's really supportive too, Like one time, I said I needed to get out more to try and get a bf and he said that I should do that with the new year, ironically the coronavirus pandmeic started after that so that never happened.

Another time, some random hot guy messaged the company facebook account and they were flirting and saying that the boss was so hot (Despite the FB profile picture being a logo, maybe he things logos are hot?)
I made some ridiculous story saying the boss was taken but her son was single and thinks he's hot and the FB random went on to ask for a wechat id and when I showed the straight guy, he was like, but he still responded!! As if I had a chance with a random probably bot on FB, but I appreciated him being supportive and not being weird about it like some straight guys would be. 

It's just an ongoing juggle of having an on and off crush on this guy. He's nothing but a loveable loser.

I guess at-least in this case I know it's not going to happen.

 I just wish I could stop having a crush on someone that's never going to like me back, it's so annoying and irritating. 

What's so annoying though, I asked him if he ever wanted to hang out and he said he is a private person, but still wants to be friends. Like why would you go out of your way to be friends with someone, to never hang out? That's like a glorified pen pal I feel like I wasted all my time for nothing.

The funny thing is, he commented on my Instagram about hiking (He said "Really cool"), so I thought he wanted to go hiking with me and that's where I got the idea from in the first place.

It's annoying because I...

• Went out of my way to get into Dua Lipa so we would have something to talk about.

• Started posting Instagram stories so he'd notice me.

• Going out of my way to text him, even though he had a 50% chance of leaving me on read. In person, he always seems to want to talk to me, so I thought it was mutual.

Weird thing is though, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the ginger guy from my last job. Like it's so weird, I think about him every day, and I have no idea why...even after two years of not seeing him in person, I still think about him. Is it limerence? Is it the universe trying to tell me something? Is it Becky with the bad hair playing a trick on me? Who knows! 

 

At this moment in time, I simultaneously have a crush on a straight guy I'm starting to become friends with, and a guy who doesn't even know I exist! Could my life get any more annoying? Actually, don't answer that..

Then I started to realize, I had a crush on my neighbor of 10 years. Guess what his name is, if you guessed Ace, and guess what the hell he does, he's a cop.. well...

The Verdict...

So apparently, I unintentionally have a thing for guys named Ace, that are CJ majors, and this is coincidental, since I am not actively seeking these guys out to crush on. Nor do I usually know their sexuality, names, career affiliations first either.

Then there are two LGBT youtubers, and a straight one named Ace, who I also think are really attractive, and that's when I realized I really do seem to have a thing for guys named Ace...
The job with Davey, there's a guy named Ace as well, and he's drop dead gorgeous. He's a part of the drug & Alcohol testing department, which can be considered CJ related! (If he told me to bend over, bitch I would, but I also think he has small D*ck energy...But whatever)

Pardon my french, but what the absolute hell.. is going on?! 

So guys I know/knew of in person named Ace, are CJ majors, and I tend to crush on them.

Funny Story: Something funny happened before the second Ace left the job.
I went to the bathroom at work, and there was someone in the stall already, and so I went to the next one. This guy, was in there longer than me (I could tell he was on his phone when I walked by, because I saw a light between the space in the stall.)
It always takes me 10-13 minutes in a public bathroom because I'm a germaphobe (Don't want to touch anything), and bathrooms relax me...

Well, I got this sudden urge to say "HEY DADDY, WHAT YOU DOING?"

I DID NOT DO THIS!!!!

But I wanted to.....

So a few minutes later I go to the break room, which is right next to the bathroom, and guess who walks in, the guy I like. Guess what he was wearing, all blue (On valentines day, gurl, someone ain't festive??)
Guess what color outfit the person in the stall was wearing? Blue...
So there's a chance, that I wanted to say "Hey daddy", conveniently, to the guy I liked, without knowing it was even him! lol

Sadly enough, and ironically enough. He got a new job two weeks later, which is really strange because I remember thinking that I had a time limit to talk to him, like deep down the universe was telling me he would be getting a new job at some point.

Synopsis: 

• The universe is playing me dirty, and has me continuously crush on guys named Ace, who are all CJ majors.
• Between each guy named Ace, I end up having a smaller, usually short lived/ Or not as strong of a crush on a guy not named Ace.
• The two guys between the Ace's, did not have the same name. However, they both used preferred nicknames that end with "Y" that was a close variant of their actual name. Scott, was called "Scotty", and Dave was called "Davey".etc (Their real names do actually end with a Y too and I used these fake names because of it.). They also had/have a great sense of fashion and wear earrings, which was another thing that made me think they were gay at first, and or made me attracted to them.
• Three out of 4 of these crushes were on guys 2 years younger, or older than me.

Yearly Review:

2015: Ace, 2 years younger than me, CJ major.
2016: Jaime, allegedly had a crush on me.
2017: Scotty, was who I liked.
2018: Second Ace, who was approximately also two years younger than me, and a CJ major.
2019: Davey, who happens to be two years older than me. lol

Follow the rest of my Crush Arc

• Don't Block The VENTilation • So Much Wasted Time • Ding Dong Doozy Of A Day! •

I'm the physical embodiment of a Japanese highschool girl! PT 3

So flash-forward to 2018, I finally got out of retail, and got a job in an office late May. The first three months I would just daydream about Scotty. 

But then..

 it happened again.. (Dramatic Music!)

 (This is where it's going to start to get a little bit weird!)

This new job I obtained had a little summer bash outside, and I noticed these two cute guys walking around. A blonde guy, and a red head. I've never been into gingers before, so this was a new one. But he wasn't your average ginger, because it's actually hard to tell that he's a ginger, except in certain lighting, it's more of an Auburn. 

 

When I showed a picture of this guy to my friend Victor (Who's weaknesses are Asian and Redhead men.) he was like, this guy's a ginger?! He doesn't look like it!

Anyways, so my inner Japanese Highschool Girl came out, and I could not stop obsessing over how cute they were. I was like, are they gay? Are they boyfriends? Are they gay boyfriends??? (At this point, I may or may not have started to ship them inside of my mind....) I could not stop watching them. I kept spying on them to see if they were going to kiss, or something!!

 

I get so obsessed over these things, and that's my inner Japanese highschool girl that comes out! (The shy quiet girl in the corner watching the boy she likes? Literally me..)

I was looking for any sign that they could be gay, the one guy, I could tell off the bat was gay (I later found his facebook, and he is in fact gay and a close friend of this jerk I used to work with [ Click here for The Rumor Story]) The red head however, a little tricky, I noticed he had a pink phone, and was good at jump rope tricks. 

 

My old manager at retail is a cheer mom, and she said that jump rope can be a gay sport at times, obviously everyone is different, so this isn't always the case.

I still couldn't figure it out, but I had since become mesmerized by this red head, and wanted to know more about him!

 

Disclaimer: My sister pointed out to me that it was weird I was fan-girling over these two and taking pictures of them on Snapchat. Looking back at it, I can understand how that was kinda weird, but it came from a place of innocence!

Trying to figure out if this guy is gay/bi, etc, is a little bit harder, as I worked on the complete opposite side of the company than this dude. I've probably seen him a total of 10-ish times in 6 months. I have never talked to this guy before, I did however add him on linkedin, so that was nice. I figure if I add people on linkedin, they'll want to talk to me! Maybe....maybe not...

So my problem was, I never got a chance to talk to him. Also due to me being shy, and socially awkward, I couldn't just go up to him and ask if he was gay/bi. My friends said that's what they would do, but they don't have social anxiety like me, and I generally never know what to say at any given time. (I tend to confuse people, because I never know what to say! I also did this to customers in retail as well lol.) 

 

The way I can talk to this guy, is when I have an "opening", that works for me, where I can be comfortable with myself. (I was telling Stacy about this once.)

An example of me being comfortable, we had a Holiday party months later. Everyone that worked there was present. They were having a raffle that everyone was automatically entered in, and I happened to win a 25$ gift card (When they announced my name, everyone acted confused because they didn't know who I was, like gee thanks for making me feel like a ghost lol.) When I went to receive the gift card from the lady, I gave a bow. Everyone thought it was cute, and after I did that, I noticed a certain ginger looking a little more my way too. I was also wearing the gayest freaking Christmas tree sweater too! Just call me the Christmas Queer from now on!


At the Holiday party, I did get the gay vibe from him, and I happened to notice his voice was higher, (As mentioned before, I've noticed that 95% of gay/bi guys have higher pitched voices) and he was also still hanging out with the gay guy too. But who knows!

When there was a Halloween meeting, I noticed he dressed up as a cowboy, and my mind went straight to the gutter...(I see something I wanna ride. Save a horse, rid a cowboy.) But then, I also knew where his desk was!

I noticed, he's around girls all the time, which either means he's got a lot of F@g hags, or that he's a ladies man. His facebook pictures scream gay, and everyone I've showed said the same things, however his "professional" pictures scream straight. This leads me to believe he's trying to pull off an "act", somewhat, maybe to potential employers, to show he's not gay?  Since he could face job discrimination perhaps for being lgbt (Either that, or he's bisexual, which would explain the, he looks gay sometimes. lol)

"It's a shame because I did have on opportunity to talk to him, but I had a terrible stomach ache that week..."

 

I was going on break, and noticed he was in front of me, he had these cute red pants on. I was thinking, those are some really nice pants, and red is my favorite color. If I wasn't feeling miserable, I would have said that I love those pants, and ask where he got them from. Then maybe say something like, oh I'm gay, I get excited by cute clothes, something like that, because then he knows, ya know?

See, this is the makings of a stalker, but I've realized how crazy I was getting about this, and had since backed off.

 

 

Just like Ariana Grande's song, Daydreamin', I could not get this guy out of my head. It was the same as Ace, except, I never talked to this guy before.

Okay, so now here comes the weird part. This red head, is also named Ace, and his Linkedin said his college graduation date was 2015. Which means he's ALSO two years younger than me, and the first Ace was a Criminal Justice major, and guess what? This guy's a criminal justice major too!

Unfortunately, the cute ginger got a new job. I only found this out by accident when I saw his name turned into an email in this chat system the company has. I was like, well that's weird. I checked on LinkedIn to see if he left, and he did! I messaged him saying congratulations! Which he responded saying thank you, which is the only time I've ever talked to him. lol.

 

For him, it's just a random guy saying congrats, but on my side, I'm like "omg omg omg cute boy talked to me!"

 

Could I be anymore delusional?

I too ended up getting a new job a few months later, and then started crushing on another guy, but still think about this ginger one rather frequently.

I'm the physical embodiment of a Japanese highschool girl! PT 2

If you haven't seen part 1, check it out here. 

To continue where we left off.

The following year, in 2016. I had a guy like me back. Or so, I thought... His name is Jaime, I ended up becoming friends with him, but when I first met him, he was quite the oddity. In 2016, he started acting super weird once he knew I was gay. 

He would try to hug me, he'd ask me if I was going to "fuck him in the ass", when I told him I think guys who cry are hot, he started fake crying, another time he just kept saying "Fuck me", in a cutesy voice towards me. There are other things, for more about Jaime, check "This" out. Jaime was weird, but this was a whole new level of weird. Jaime is the guy who's going to tell you that he's "at work", but in reality, he's in the show 24, trying to find Jack Bauer's daughter. That's just Jaime for you. So seeing this weird, "flirtatious" side of him, was very strange. A year later, he just stopped "flirting" with me, and just became a jerk. I didn't like him back, so I think he gave up, or he's just weird... Honestly, Jaime is one of the 8 mysteries of the world if you ask me!

"Turns out, Jaime was just an asshole the whole time!"

Jaime, if he was a Zombie.

Stay with me folks, because this is going to get Very Very strange!!!

So now, let's go to 2017. We have this new cute guy at work named " Scotty", I was shocked to find out that he was 19, talk about robbing the cradle, I was 8 years older than him!
I knew it wasn't going to happen with Scotty,  but I still let myself crush on him. It was weird because, I felt as if I needed someone to crush on. Like if I didn't crush on someone, I'd end up temporarily attracting myself to gross people like Jaime! 

Scotty was always (metaphorically) doing project runway poses, so I thought he was gay. He also had a deep voice, so I thought, maybe he isn't gay? Gay/bi guys usually have higher pitched voices.

(Question is, can guys with deep voices, deep throat. I swear, why do I even talk sometimes...)

Scotty, was the complete opposite of Ace. He was quiet, to himself, never really talked to anyone. His only redeeming quality, was that he was cute, and not an asshole.. like some people (Looks at Jaime telepathically.)

My friends helped me find out if Scotty was gay, in a very hilarious set of events which made it look like my friend Stacy (Who's 50), was asking if Scotty was gay as if she was interested in him! It was a rather funny situation I could see happening on a sitcom.

My friend Stephanie ended up asking what he was getting his girlfriend for Christmas, which he said he was single for the last 5 months. (As of 2019, he's got a new girlfriend.)

Jaime also found out he was not gay for me as well... Jaime's idea was that, I could have Scotty, but Jaime has to hold him down for me. Jaime has a dark sense of humor, and I was not having none of it.

 

Always remember everyone, consent, consent consent!!! Jaime has a weird fascination with r@pe, maybe we should be concerned, quite frankly. R@pe is not funny Jaime! The only thing that is funny, is your ugly outfit! :P

 

I wrote about these events in a blog post last year. What a ding dong doozy of a day!

Ironically enough, Scotty kinda reminded me of my brother. Both of them have no personality, have no enthusiasm, and they both have that Justin Bieber bowl cut hair. So it's for the best that I got over Scotty... Because, weird!

Why I'm the physical embodiment of a Japanese highschool girl! PT 1

 I feel like I am the embodiment of a Japanese highschool girl from an anime and I want to explain why!

I'm the shy quiet one, who just keeps crushing on cute guys, but due to my shy and introverted nature, I never talk to any of them! This is also common with Highschool girls in anime. (Hence the reference)

Considering I'm a dude, my crush will probably end up being straight anyways, and probably won't go anywhere. 

(Which is the story of my life, turn that into my autobiography!)

Straight people have it easy, they can walk to the grocery store and find someone to date. LGBT people have to go over a river, through the woods, cross the bridge to Terabithia, wind up in Narnia, and then when you get "somewhere", there's three eligible bachelors, and I won't find any of them attractive!

Even when I tried apps, I didn't like many people and the ones I did like wouldn't like me back. I tried adding everyone I thought might be interesting to become friends with, but when that happened I quickly realized that was a bad idea since we were looking for different things.

(I had one person tell me that one of their hobbies, was me.. I was like ehhhhh.....)

However, the last 7 years have been very interesting. I've always had crushes on guys, but the ones I had before 2015 were different. They were like, oh that guy is attractive, I wonder if he's into dudes and maybe he could like me back. But looking back at it now, those "crushes", were nothing compare to the last 5 years.

Me, if I was a Japanese High-school girl! 

It all started in 2015, when I thought I had met "The one". The only reason I thought he was the one, was because I started to have wild feelings I never felt before. This includes always having someone on my mind, or just feeling a rush of energy when seeing this person.

His name was Ace (Name changed for privacy), and he was two years younger than me. Ever since I realized I was into guys, I quickly saw that I LOVE older men, I love me my "daddies" (This sentence is so cringe, but kinda funny so I'm going to leave it).

So for me to be attracted to, not only a guy my age, but a guy younger than me! That was unfathomable! But the craziest thing was, he was everything I was looking for in a guy. We had the same interests, the same opinions, he could cook, and fix a tire (That's not something you see every day). He was literally Mr. Perfect. He was very social, very friendly, maybe a bit overly friendly. We had so much in common and at the same time we were so different, and you know what they say, opposites attract! I truly felt like I had met my soulmate. The weird thing was, I wasn't into him until he shook my hand... After that, I was engulfed in a very strange, but great feeling, which may or may not have been limerence. (This isn't a satirical comment, I legitimately don't know if it was, or wasn't lol)

When I was into him, I'd play love songs, such as many songs by the Queen herself, Carly Rae Jepsen. But I'd also look for "Clues", clues that maybe he was gay, or bi. One time he kept looking at me, another time he had his arms out, but his hands were down (Kind of like a stereotypical gay zombie vampire, which is something gay guys or zombies do, but not really a straight guy thing to do. Example Below).

 

Is he.... Ya know?

 

I would look for anything that might say he likes me, or that he likes guys in general. Granted, these were silly to consider since we're at a time in the world where everyone can start to be who they are. So now straight guys are starting to allow themselves to be more feminine, and makes it harder for guys into dudes, to spot them out. (If they don't have good gaydar, or if their gaydar is blocked by "please be gaydar", it's not going to be easy to figure out unless you specifically ask the person and even then they may lie about it for whatever reason.)

I've talked about him before on my blog, "Don't block the ventilation", "So much wasted Time", so feel free to delve more into it, since I have lot's to talk about right now!

I hadn't felt this way about anyone before, so I thought I really did meet "The One", and after I found out he was straight, I was crushed, and legitimately depressed for 4 days. Which is really weird for someone I never actually dated, and only saw 1/2 times a week. Like it's almost as if I had experienced a break up, without ever breaking up with someone! (I'll get into this "feeling later", as I think I know why this happens to me)

This is going to be a long blog post, so I'm turning this into 4-5 separate parts. 

This is the end of part one, see you next time for part 2!